CHAPTER ONE: Evaluating the Human Client

Human appears normal: has only one bulldog. Present client with list of recommended psychotherapists.

Human appears somewhat harassed: has two bulldogs. Client should be referred to local mental health agency immediately.

Human is paranoid with masochistic tendencies: has more than two bulldogs or has just whelped a litter of bulldog puppies. Call nearest residential mental institution; human client is certainly an escapee.

CHAPTER TWO: Evaluating the Bulldog Patient

Annual check-up: does not exist. Establish arbitrary schedule for vaccinations and other innoculations.

Routine visit: does not exist. Allow one hour minimum to answer all questions patient’s owner has.

NOTE: most of these will stem from gossip around the dog show ring and/or from current popular bulldog publications. Treatment can include pretending to absorb these brilliant scientific breakthroughs, or forbidding client to read such literature, or presenting client with list of veterinarians in the next county.

Emergency visit: occurs monthly, weekly or daily, depending on number of bulldogs in family. See Chapter One.

CHAPTER THREE: Treating the Bulldog

Appear to examine bulldog thoroughly even though you can’t hear anything in chest area because of heavy breathing.

Give client tube of Panalog or equivalent, instructing client to apply three times per day and return with dog in three days.

Immediately begin research for most unlikely diagnosis. Do not let lack of symptoms limit research.

Client will return to clinic two days before scheduled recheck. Start treatment for most unlikely diagnosis.

If above efforts are unsuccessful, tell client you are calling nearest prestigious veterinary school.

This will give you a minimum of three more months to consider diagnosis while waiting for response from school.

CHAPTER FOUR: Establishing Fees and Methods of Payment

Before accepting any clients with bulldogs, request and evaluate client’s statement of assets and liabilities. DO NOT accept as clients anyone already carrying a second mortgage and whose house you do not covet. NOTE other attractive assets and be certain there are no liens or other claims against them.

Always remember that fees should be moderate if not low. What you appear to lose will be soon made up in volume. With any luck at all, client will be so impressed with your brilliant grasp of problems in the bulldog breed that he will refer other bulldoggers to you.

CHAPTER FIVE: Retirement

After having one bulldog as a patient, you have earned retirement. You will also be able to afford this, even after having paid for eight years of private college for six children. Few, if any, of these children will be yours as you have been too busy taking care of bulldogs to attend to this matter.

Extensive surveys show most bulldog veterinarians prefer remote Tibetan monastaries for retirement. Before signing a lease on a cell in one, be sure such modern amenities as faxes or net access will not be installed for at least ten years. Also be sure your cell is padded.